Vulnerability

I haven’t written a post in weeks now. I can say I’m not sure why, but that wouldn’t be true. I haven’t written, not because I haven’t been inspired to write, but rather than I’ve been too bogged down with life to find the energy I need at the end of the day to fuel the inspiration that has been brewing.

I have been struggling with a concept. That concept is vulnerability. The word came up at an Unschoolers Park Day. The conversation surrounding this topic was basically that vulnerability is good. I don’t know about most people but I always assumed that I didn’t like to be vulnerable. Being vulnerable doesn’t always make one feel, well, safe, for one.

So, I went digging around on the internet and read up on the word and watched a video on the Ted site by Brene Brown.  Although the ideas in her talk weren’t exactly addressing the vulnerability I was exploring, I realized that somehow it’s all related.

Brene Brown: The Power of Vulnerability

Vulnerability, in a sense, is what gives us motivation to take chances. Vulnerability can destroy a person if they are afraid of it. But on the other hand, if you can embrace vulnerability then you can empower yourself to explore new options. Whether you seek love, independence, travel, or even work; if you are willing to take a risk, you are willing to be vulnerable.

I look back upon my life and I can’t even count how many times I’ve dealt with this emotion because there are too many to count. Embracing the unknown comes easy for some. I never thought it came easy to me. I would have never made it through college if I had taken the time to doubt that I could somehow pay my own way. I never doubted it, I just did it. My biggest hurdles of vulnerability have been the instances that deal with the heart. Rejection, loss and failure in love all build a wall of vulnerability that can be scary to climb. But again, I manged to hurl myself over that wall to secure the love of a lifetime. And who can mention vulnerability without mentioning finances. Being able to have faith that the universe can provide when you need it most requires the utmost vulnerability, especially in times like today.

Our family is embracing vulnerability once again. We have been settled here in the St. Petersburg area for 15 months. We set sail late next week to sail south around the peninsula of Florida and up the Atlantic coast to Jacksonville. What awaits us there is the promise of higher quality employment for my husband. We hope that is true and we have faith that turning over this new leaf will provide a solid foundation for earning not just a living but also a dream account.

I’m looking at this sail as the opportunity to get this boat back on open water and as an opportunity to see somethings in a way I haven’t seen them before. Where we have mangroves here, we’ll have salt marches and cypress trees there. I am excited to show the boys some new places and new environments. We look forward to seeing the springs along the St. John’s river and exploring the barrier islands like Cumberland Island by boat.

So, here we go…into the unknown once again. We are pulling the dock lines and forging ahead. Come what may and I sure hope it’s good.

Against the Grain

Grains of sand eventually make a sandcastle

No one said that taking the path less followed would be easy. I would say that I am growing thicker skin with age and with age comes greater wisdom to trust your inner voice. Listening to myself is one thing, speaking up for myself is another. I hear many people claim that they don’t care what others think and perhaps for them that is true. I, myself, haven’t always had the ability to shrug off the comments and opinions of others. My personal history has been that of a “pleaser”. I grew up wanting to please others, do the right thing and keep peace in a room, be it with family or friends.

Something is changing from within. I’m not sure what exact force to pin it on. Perhaps the amazing chiropractor I’ve been working with. Maybe one becomes more self-righteous when they near 40. Speaking my opinion and finding my voice is becoming easier. I’m amazed how much less discomfort one experiences in a body when you learn to speak as you feel rather than bottling up any anxiety or bothersome thoughts inside. The body and the mind are so closely related and the relationship between the two is complicated but demands the utmost respect.

Over the years, family members and friends have spoken their reservations about our lifestyle and many times they admit that they question the outcome of our decisions. The biggest worry in their minds is that of my decision to home school our boys. Will they boys be stimulated enough? Can we continue to do this as they age? I have never claimed anything I do to be forever. We reserve the right to make adaptations as the road ahead curves. I do not know what the future brings for our tribe. But I do know that right now feels right.

What I wonder is how much those who doubt our decisions have educated themselves on the subject of what I do? I haven’t entered into this situation without a great deal of reading. The more I read, the more I feel that for where we are in life, now, that this is the correct path for our family. When something is different from the norm, it is easy for others to question its appropriateness.  However, it’s hard to not feel judged by these random statements of concern without any backing to them. What have they read that makes them have doubts? Which videos have they watched that cause red flags to go up? No one ever asks why I do it or how I do it. They just worry without getting the 411.

Waldorf Art Class, Paper Making

My path in life has always been to try to have an open mind. Open arms and minds are so important in today’s society. Keeping things simple in a complex world is not always easy. By homeschooling, our family enjoys the flexibility to be on our own schedule. That is freedom. In freedom, I find joy. I get to see the lights go on in my children’s heads. My job is to fuel their passion for learning by allowing them to pursue subjects that ignite a fire in their souls. Education occurs everyday, all the time and all around us.

Identifying fish bones on the beach

Even though I get tired of being “second guessed”, I also do not feel like always having to be on a soapbox. So, I let it all slide, again and again. It seems that my ability to speak my mind once again retreats and I am left to hold on to that frustration. So tonight, I am releasing it through my fingers and into this vast world of the internet to let it rest where it may because I know that I like what I do.

Why now?

Looking up from afloat

A lot of people ask me why our family chose to move aboard a boat now. Why wouldn’t you wait until you are retired? That’s the big question we heard from everyone. I assume it’s a good question, but my usual answer was always, why not? The things we regret most in life are usually the things we did not do. I regret not following through with a Marine Biology degree. My heart was in it but my logical self told me it would be too much work to try and secure a Biology degree while trying to put myself through school. I regret not going to Europe or some very exciting place far away before I had children. Now, as it stands, it’s expensive enough to take myself, let alone two extra people. In all my life and all the people who have blessed my mind with their regrets, I hear most about the ones people have about not spending enough time with their loved ones or not reconciling with family. Sometimes you hear about dreams that were never pursued because one ran out of time and money. How about the fact that sometimes bad things happen and in the blink of an eye someone’s health or life is taken from them? Not to be morbid once again but it happens everyday to healthy people, young and old. Our children are young and resilient and Matt and I have our health, or at least most of it! One of my best friends lost her infant to SIDS. One afternoon I held her in my arms and the next I was taking food over to my girlfriend with an empty heart and a confusion so deep it hurt. I can’t control the future but I can make decisions today that allow me to live how I want to live here and now, so there are no regrets. I don’t have to say that it is forever. I don’t know how long this adventure will continue but for now, as long as the needs of our family are being met in a positive way, then we will move forward floating on a boat. There is something serene about looking out upon the horizon while cooking dinner and seeing mangrove trees spotted with birds of all sorts. I enjoy the occasional roll of the boat as a boat passes by and kisses our hull with its wake. I see the joy in the eyes of my boys as they tell their story of boat life to those willing to listen and they hear a response of “how cool” or “how interesting”! We worked hard for three years paying off our debt and slimming down our lifestyle to get here. I sometimes wonder where we would be in this economy had we continued down the road of spend, spend, spend. Our evacuation of a land based life was not as simple or elegant as we planned but we managed to find a way, nonetheless. Last night, as the rain pattered the saloon roof of the boat and the boys watched a movie, Matt and I sat below in our berth watching You Tube videos and streaming Pandora, listening to music. Music has always filled our home and on the boat it isn’t any different. In speaking of doing it now and enjoying it now, here is a video with of a song that speaks to me. The  song is by Tortured Soul, a band consisting of three musicians who believe that dance music can be played live, entitled, Enjoy it Now. There were many dance parties in our old living room and this song never failed to get the bodies moving! If you ever get the chance to see them perform live, you should!

For kicks and grins, here is the live version:

The only thing I can say is that even though this boat has not seen anything more exotic than the keys and a few small islands south of there since we have lived aboard, I don’t regret it one bit. You don’t find hermit crabs and spotted eagle rays while you are sitting on your couch. Carpe Diem!

Hermit Crab in the hand

15 Years

And the sun gave us some sparkle

On Wednesday, my husband and I celebrated our 15th wedding anniversary. I’d say it’s been the biggest “wow” anniversary to date. It wasn’t that we did anything spectacular to celebrate but rather that it made me say, “Wow! I can’t believe it’s been fifteen years already!” , Perhaps it made me feel a little old. I don’t normally feel old or think that I am old but I do remember telling my mom at age 29 that she was definitely too old to be having another child. At 38, what does that make me? Amazing how fast fifteen years flies by. Unreal how my eldest son will turn ten next year and that my baby boy is already six. Yet another reminder that time doesn’t stand still and it waits for no one. Isn’t that how I came to live on a boat now instead of waiting until I retire? The realization of how fast life passes one by and how little of this natural world we really get to see when we spend our days and nights tucked behind thick walls was one of the main reasons we chose to choose now instead of later. Our kids laugh and say our boat is like the shell of a hermit crab. We carry our boat, which is our home, wherever we go. I always thought that I would look for a flag with a picture of Eric Carle’s hermit crab on it to be our signature rather than the traditional pirate flag that the boys love to fly.

Five years ago, Matt and I took our family on a vacation to the sea. On that trip we renewed our wedding vows, barefoot in the sand. The sunset sail we took with our family that weekend simply changed our life. Everyone always asks how we got here. I always tell the story and say, “When the sails went up and the engine was turned off we both looked at one another and we knew.” Some things don’t need to be spoken.

I feel very blessed to have found such a gentle spirit in a tall man’s body. He always tells me that I am what keeps him grounded but I know that I feel the same way about him. He allows me to be me. I do not hear laughter when I sing out loud and out of key. My reservations about dancing left my head the first time he escorted me to the dance floor. My tears can flood and run down his shoulder but he never tires of drying them when they do fall. He makes me laugh. We make a good team. I don’t ever want to think of not having him and when such a fleeting thought enters my mind, I swish it away. There is a song from the soundtrack of the movie Garden State entitled “I Don’t Think I’ll Ever Get Over You” by Colin Hay. Matt hates it when I’m I speak of things like this but if he were to die before I , this song would be my dedication to him.

It is only fitting that we spent yesterday with our toes in the sand. The sun gave way to a sparkle on the water and a gentle breeze kept us company. The water is already starting to turn cold, kissed by fall, my favorite time of year! And that is enough to raise a toast to! So, to fall, to love and to longevity! Happy Anniversary!

Inspiration found in an Indian Summer Sky

The two year mark of living on a boat is nearing. I realize that time does not stand still. There have been many changes in my life over the past several years. I left the world I knew in search of a story to tell. I’m not sure if I’ve found the story I want to tell. But that’s not to say that I haven’t come across a story or two already. I figure this is my lifelong process: trying to find the perfect story. I’ve learned so much along the way. Amazing sunsets have filled my daily life and as fast as the sun sets, the days pass by and I ponder why I haven’t written any of this down yet. I chose this life. The main reason being that I wanted to leave a story behind for my children to tell. Not that I want them to tell my story, I want them to have one of their own. This blog is my attempt to challenge myself to remember these days that are special, each in their own unique way. Some days the lessons seem hard and other times times the lessons are surreal, yet others, right on. It’s not a perfect life but it’s beautiful and real. I am human and I am a woman and those two things make for a new experience every day. Nearing 40, I feel that I should know exactly what I want to do when I “grow up”. I find, however, that I know a lot of things I do not want to do but I’m still trying to find that path that delivers me to that spot where I feel like I know that I am living in a place and a way that says “this is it…this is me!”